The Constant Problem…

Hey Occulties,

I could literally write an entire book about "lust for results," aka "thinking the spell/situation to death," including the problems that obsessive anxiety (a major symptom) cause just being a good part. I could explain it, and explain it, and then explain it to you all again, and my inbox ON MY DAYS OFF (it's even worse when it's not my days off,) would still start with "So and so hasn't contacted me in like 24 hours," and "I really think the quality of so and so's last text/call/email seems 'off,'" etc, etc. which, while I get that some people view this as healthy, normal observations are rarely so. 

Allow me to trot out a situation with an ex of mine where I WAS NOT working on this person. This was a relationship which was difficult as the person was a commitmentphobic to the nth degree. By the time I was just seriously through with trying to deal with this person's major emotional issues (because it was never a lack of love, it was his fearing to be loved, and yet very much loving me,) I found someone else, and what do you think happened? Was I sitting there, noticing he hadn't texted me (because we'd go on a "break," and we'd often still text and talk relatively frequently when that was going on,) as much as normal this or that week? Not at all. The communication kind of tapered off. I noticed when he became aware of my seeing someone else, he found someone else. Not being very jealous by nature (if you get me to be jealous, which isn't easy, I am the most jealous monster ever, but it's a rare thing to happen,) and being pretty content in my arrangement with someone else, I didn't mind it. When it became obvious that this person was dating someone else to annoy me (not because he liked her,) I didn't care. When I noticed him stalking my social media, I didn't give a damn. I was aware that his attempts to get my attention and make me react in some way to show I still wanted him were snowballing and becoming more and more, but at the time I was caught up in my own life and was not really making it a priority to analyze it. It took some time before I looked back and noticed HOW MUCH MORE he worked for my attention. 

And here's the funny thing with that…if I had been mopey and telling myself I NEEDED his attention, – say if I had not found someone new, – his attempts to get my attention in more than one way would have felt…well, terrible. I would have not seen some of them for what they were right away, or even if I did, I would have been upset by them, which was, because people are just churlish like this, the whole reason for several of his actions…to make me anxious and want him to please show me affection. If it had seemed "intolerable" for us not to speak for a few days, or even a few weeks, I would have been miserable. Why? Because he isn't inept at emotional manipulation, and while I am kind enough to believe much of what he did was not consciously done with the intent of pure overt manipulation, some clearly was (while some was more like him being childish and trying to get my attention away from someone else.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is…when you fixate on someone's absence or over analyze their behavior through a certain lens, not only do you SLOW YOUR SPELLWORK DOWN OR KILL IT (assuming you're working on them,) you also react in unhelpful ways to their behavior. I wasn't working reconciliation on the person above. Presumably, if I was, clearly it would not have been a hard sell to get this guy back, but if I was obsessive about it, several moves he did make could have been very painful. 

Now imagine this same problem with an ex who is resistant to you getting back together. Or someone who is having serious doubts about your relationship working. Like most humans, their behavior may become unpleasant to you…they might be slow to respond to contact, they may delay contact, they might pick fights, they might be cold, and if you react with a bleeding heart or sit there waiting like a crazy person, timing the delay between each contact, not only is this going to aggravate you more and more (think of it like watching a pot and waiting for the water to boil, vs doing something else for about 5-10 minutes and coming back to a full boil – which feels like an eternity?) it's not only bad for your mental health, it's also going to sour your reaction and possibly delay your spellwork manifestation. It might even kill it. 

So, as harsh as it may sound, the best thing possible when casting a spell on someone for love purposes, is to go along with your life as if you don't care what the person says or does next. I try to tell people, imagine you cast that spell on me (or someone you're not infatuated with – a tertiary friend, perhaps.) Are you desperately timing the wait on my replies? Are you wondering what I'm thinking right now? Are you wondering who I'm with, what I'm doing? I mean, I'm on friendly terms with the vast majority of my exes, and I can assure you, if I need to contact them for any reason, while I rarely wait longer than an hour or so for a reply, if any single one of them took longer – even days longer, – rare is it that I'd notice. It's the same when I contact family, friends – anyone, really. I mean, most of our daily interactions are not "desperate need," type of interactions, and that's exactly how you want to think of your "beloved." Once you cast that spell (or have it cast for you), give yourself some space, and treat their existence like that of a tertiary friend until they start coming back, as this will speed up the manifestation AND prevent aggravating obsessive anxiety.

Because even outside of the "lust for results," the reality is that you do not, in 99.999999% of any situation, desperately need to hear from your ex/beloved whatsoever. The reality is that it is not a "life or death" thing, you just keep telling yourself that it is. By letting go of the situation, you won't act and react like an emotional mess. The fact that someone hasn't texted you for 36 hours won't feel like someone hasn't responded to you in 20 years and they are your only hope to feeling like you can breathe again. And the best part? It won't hurt your damn spell because you won't be exhaustively clocking in the time between responses and the quality thereof. 

Due to my job, I can be a terrible responder to texts and messages. It isn't anything to do with not loving family or friends. I've repeatedly asked people to not message me on facebook because I do not even have FB messenger on my phone. Texting me can be a crapshoot, because I often have my phone on do not disturb. So people wait long times for replies unless they have access to my landline or email (and, let's be fair, many of us don't email our friends in lieu of instant messaging or texts,) and those are the people that I love. My own better half gets annoyed because I will literally forget my phone when I go somewhere like the store, – I don't even remember to bring the damn thing. So imagine if he was casting love spells on me…if he didn't have my landline number, I could easily take 2 days to reply. I might never reply if it came on facebook messenger. People try hitting me up through there all of the time, and if you were unlucky enough to do so when my computer was closed, I might never even see it. 😛 Would that mean his spellwork wasn't working? Nope, it just means that I am bad with responding to personal messages. It's who I am. I am dealing with so many other people's problems at any given time, that sending me a message means waiting for me to look at my phone, or hoping that I have facebook open so I can see you send me a DM. 😛 It basically would equate to almost forcing him to let me initiate contact, because of my temperament. 

And this is something I see a lot with clients…. They take someone becoming distant or busy as a personal affront to them or meaning the spellwork isn't working. The clock the timing between "send" and "reply" or even the last time they spoke to someone with by-the-second precision, like "Do you know that it has been 12 hours, 22 minutes, and 15 seconds since so-and-so's last reply? S/he never takes longer than 5 hours and 18 minutes to reply, like ever." And of course there is the constant "quality" assessment. Look, on some level, I get it. Humans are very very attuned to sensing "weird" behavior in other humans as part of a survival instinct. If you're acting off, you might be a danger to me in some way, so I will pick it up…nature gave us that gift. But…in thinking of the last 2 interactions I'd had with an ex recently (no one I want back, happily married,) one was relatively curt and to the point without being rude, the other was very pleasant and warm (albeit brief.) Since I wasn't really thinking about this until now when I was writing the article, I would just guess in the first situation he was busy and had a lot to do, and then the second, he had some time on his hands and was relaxing (he's generally a pleasant and warm person by nature.) Now, if I was all worked up and needed to know why he was acting this way, I might have even stressed myself out over that first instance…even though, clearly, it had nothing to do with me. I'm on good terms with this person. Someone being curt towards us can feel like this means this person doesn't like us or is angry with us. The reality is, they could be acting this way for a million different reasons than something to do with you.

People get so anxious, so worked up, and then they come to me wondering why it is that someone hasn't texted or called or why the quality of the last communication was not what they had hoped. This is lust for results, and it's unhelpful. Re-direct your attention elsewhere. Relax. I assure you, well done spellwork means the person will make that move, and the sooner you stop worrying over it, the sooner it will happen. They might be busy with work, with life, or even feeling weird about reconnecting with you, even though they are driven to do so (but when they do reconnect, you sense them acting weird because they feel a little weird,) and that can make the communication lag or feel difficult. Rather than picking it apart repeatedly and timing it, let it right itself. If you start getting freaked out and anxious, it will be something they will pick up, and it will take longer for things to normalize. How do I know? Because I do have pleasant and warm interactions with most of my exes, and I'm not working reconciliation on any of them. Even many of those I had a bad falling out with when we broke up, I have a good relationship with. So, if it happened naturally that I get along well with these people, it will definitely happen if you're working a spell on them. 

And before I get several inquiries if this post is "about [you]", no, it isn't. I had over 25 "complaints" this weekend that someone isn't responding fast enough or the quality is off, and it's incredibly awful can I do something, and of that number, the vast majority were complaining of not hearing from someone in 48 hours or less. 😛 I do not write articles about one or two people, – I write when there is a widespread problem. 

~C