Reconciliation on a Horribly-Toxic Ex May Not Be Worth It

Hey there my lovelies,

I think we can all agree that the most-likely reason people contact me is to bring back an ex. Generally-speaking, at least 1/3 of these exes are of the miserable and awful sort that, – were the person wanting them back not going through an incredible amount of emotional distress, – no one in their right mind would suggest anyone ever dating this person. Of course, the argument is often made that the heart wants what it wants, and this person inquiring after help just so happens to want this miserable excuse of a human being.

What may be less evident to that person, or to my readers, is that reconciliation magic may bring this person back, but the likelihood is that they are going to be the same miserable asshole that they always were. As I often say, Just because you make a jerk love you, that doesn't make them not a jerk. And, for what it's worth, I get it…they were a lot nicer until (they became a drunk or drug addict, they took a new job, they met a friend you don't like, etc.,) so if you can just clean up the problem that caused them to turn into an asshole, then they could be "fixed." 

Well…let me just say that if you go into a love-situation believing you can save or fix a person, you're probably going to fail as well as make yourself miserable in the attempt. 

I realize that many of you will try anyhow, because, as I'm often told, the heart wants what it wants, and you want that person in particular. I have also loved a jerk or five in my time on earth, and felt the same way. 😛 So I ask you, are you willing to accept the following to get your super-toxic, evil ex back?

This person will continue to behave in selfish, churlish, or unkind ways, just as they did for a long time before the break up when they return to you.

Trying to fix a person or help them with their own problems (when they don't want to work on themselves) is an uphill battle, often one uphill, in waist-deep mud, while there is a huge avalanche coming down the mountain. Are you ready to first get this person back, and then spend the time working on them to hopefully make a dent in their behaviors? Are they selfish or self-defeating? Is it going to wear you out mentally just to deal with them for months? Because this is what is ahead of you if you really hope to stop their toxic behaviors that continue to tear apart your relationship with them. 

You will also likely have to work on yourself, which can be difficult when you're saddled with someone who has their own set of toxic behaviors. If you refuse to address your own toxic/problematic behaviors (and in most cases, both of you have them,) the relationship will likely crumble again. 

I want you to consider all of that if you want your super-toxic and super-bad ex back, as I've had more than one person tell me that it came as a surprise. Look, maybe you're just seeking closure, and in that case, a brief reunion should be everything you want it to be, and should help you move on. But if you've decided one little spell is going to reunite you and send you both back into each other's arms, gloriously free of all problems forever, then…no, it very likely won't. In the best situations for reconciliation, the couple is generally a very functional couple who have recently had an argument or something relatively trivial that has set them apart. In a less-than-optimal, but very-fixable situation, the couple have had ongoing issues (generally with communication, though sometimes caused by money or distance,) which do not necessarily spring from habitually-expressed toxic-behavior patterns, that finally lead to a break up. In a horrible situation, someone is in love with a toxic person who is selfish, often has substance-abuse problems, is dishonest, manipulative, and relatively narcissistic, and has found themselves single as the toxic ex generally did not have some absolutely unfair and ridiculous request fulfilled in the manner they desired (or as quickly as they expected). If you think you're fixing a narcissist with a single reconciliation spell, then good luck on that. :P 

As I'd said above, I can relate to desiring someone who was a total scumbag jerk head. I did eventually pull my head out of my own behind and realize "Hey, there are a lot better things than this person in this world," and moved on to someone much better, though usually this came after drawing the toxic jerk back into my life two or three times (only for them to create the very same mess each time.) It's something a lot of us do. I'm not of the mind that you can just tell someone to move on, because that's easier said than done.

And of course, there will be those of you reading this who instantly decide that their ex is the most evil thing to ever exist, or that nothing will ever get better even if they try to fix things with magic, when this is also possibly not the case. Like I said above, I get requests where I can't really understand why that person desires the person that they do as much as they do (because from a third person perspective, it's pretty confusing that you want someone back after they did all the crappy things they did to you,) but on the other side of that, I also get people who are "done" and "wouldn't lower themselves to dealing with that again," from others wherein the "evil ex," did something like had the audacity to get the flu, take some medication, and missed a date because they were in bed with flu, a fever, and asleep. I think that's a bit much. 😛 It's right to forgive and try to cut someone some slack here and there. We're not always perfect human beings, after all. I can think of a few relationships in my youth where, at the time, I blamed the young man for making things not work, but in retrospect, it was my 20 something dumb head that really fudged it all up. It's easy to see other's mistakes, but not always easy to see your own sometimes. 😦

What I want you to consider is whether or not you really want this person in your life if they are toxic, or if you just weren't ready to separate from this toxic person and so you want them back for a little while (closure)? Do you want to put in the additional work of trying to heal really deeply set toxic behavior patterns in yourself and/or your ex? Try to use your head in this, because all too often, I find people putting all this effort to get someone back – someone awful, someone I'd tell any of you to cross the street if this person was walking down it, someone just memorably sh*tty, – only to say "This isn't really what I want for myself, now that I have it back. This person is still a toxic jerkface moron." Making a functional relationship with a toxic horrid ex is very difficult.

Alright, that's my education for today on love stuffs.

~Cat