Things You May Be Doing To Totally F*** Up Your Reconciliation

Hi Occulties,

Well, I’ve been trying to write a spell article, but of course people (many of whom I guarantee will be absolutely positively incapable of extending the effort to educate or help themselves since some of them can’t even locate directions in bold red type on the very form they are filling out, therefore will never absorb – or even likely see – this valuable information, heh,) need me to post what I would have HOPED was common sense in many cases. Apparently in those many cases it is not common sense. 😉

So, in no numbered order, let’s review what you or someone you might know may be doing right now to completely fuck up their reconciliation – and many of these can be applied whether or not you’re using spellwork to speed that reconciliation along.

SO IF YOU ARE DOING ANY OF THE BELOW, YOU CAN ALMOST GUARANTEE YOUR EX IS NEVER EVER GOING TO RETURN (or at least they won’t any time soon.) 😉

Constantly whining to others I know what some of you are thinking… “How is it, Cat, that my bitching to my best friend about how so-and-so hurt me, and totally failed me, but I still love him/her is in any way harmful to my reconciliation or reconciliation spellwork?”

Well, for starters, anything you ever say about another human being to any other human being on this planet is highly likely to get back to the person you’re talking about in some form. I’ve been fond of telling people for years that you should never say or write anything to anyone unless you don’t care if it’s posted on the news tonight at 5p. Every bit of sniping or talking behind someone’s back is very likely to get back to them. So, if you call me a bitch to your best friend, your best friend might tell her boyfriend, who may tell his best friend who just happens to be my cousin, and hey, who’s calling? Hey, is that me? Oh, hi, I’ve come to ask why you’re talking shit about me behind my back. So, why is it you’re telling people I’m a bitch? Please enlighten me.

And that’s what happens when you run your mouth about your ex – some of it (sometimes a lot of it,) goes right back to your ex. Maybe you talk to someone like me – a professional spellcaster and psychic counsellor (or even your shrink, or perhaps your friend you play World of Warcraft with who lives in Sweden, etc,) and ONLY EVER to me (or people similarly so far out of your social circle,) about this situation. Well, if I don’t know anyone in your life other than past what you’ve told me, it’s rather silly to believe I might actually go run off at the mouth to your buddies. Still, there is a mild possibility. Like a game of telephone, gossip can travel fast.

So, now we’ve shown your ex might just be hearing about all your kvetching. Let me tell you, it’s sooooooo unsexy to know the ex that you already dislike is sobbing and bitching about you behind your back. If anything, it usually just makes the one doing all the whining and gossipping more unattractive.

There is also another reason to stop your crying and get off the damn pity pot already. You keep reinforcing to the Universe and to yourself that you love being depressed and abused and playing victim, so…in a sense, you’re asking for more suffering. 😛 That means because you’re complaining and negative all of the time, there is a good chance you’re drawing more of that to yourself, and therefore prolonging the very state you’re whining about, while simultaneously probably making your ex think you’re a psychotic douche.

That doesn’t sound like a “make this reconciliation happen” sort of type of action, does it? I don’t think so. 😦

Forcing your ex to discuss past (or more present) offenses the moment you get them in your presence Herein the arguement I most often here goes like “But Cat, if so-and-so won’t explain to me WHY s/he did (offensive action) or at least admit s/he knows it was a hurtful thing to do, then we aren’t ready to get back together!” There is also the famous “I just had to discuss my feelings and let so-and-so know what s/he did wrong so we could sort out our problems before the spell kicked in and…”

Holy. Crap. No, no, no. This is past a holy crap moment. HOLY. SHIT. If I could smack you upside the head for being so blind you’re being dumb, I really would. Why? That’s stupid. You don’t get why? *sighs* Fair enough.

You know who likes having long, painful, accusatory discussions about they’ve messed up their relationships with loved ones? NO ONE.

You know who enjoys hearing how they failed some person who obsessively nags them for imagined transgressions as well as real ones? NO ONE.

You know who likes to discuss their past jerkishness or how it made you feel? NO ONE.

You know who wants to get back together with someone who keeps bothering them about every perceived failing and hurt – past or present? NO ONE.

I could keep going, but I think you get the point. If you didn’t get the point, I will explain a bit more…the rest of you who see what I’m saying, I’m sorry for the needing to expound on my point. 😉 Basically, you’re making that person uncomfortable and miserable every time they see you. What ends up happening is they start associating your presence with being uncomfortable instead of happy and comfortable. So instead of trying to warm the relationship back up by being fun and light, you cart out all the past offenses (or present ones if you’re really a nut,) every time you have an opportunity to communicate with this person, every grievance or hurt you need to bring up is said…and that person really feels like crap around you now. Because you just bitch and nag and aren’t any fun. Because they have to keep explaining themselves and being treated like you’re their mother or father, while they are a bad child. You are now associated with misery. Wonderful. I bet that person really wants to get back together with you so they can be nagged and complained at for every triviality that ever offended you. Oh, you’d not do that if they were back with you? Well, they don’t believe that if you keep doing it every time you meet with them.

This is a great way to kill an ACTIVE relationship if you nag too much. Imagine what it does to a broken relationship.

Making yourself associated with long naggy conversations about what the person you’re speaking to did to offend you or hurt you doesn’t sound like a “make this reconciliation happen” sort of type of action, does it? I don’t think so. 😦

Apologies with a “but” in them I can guarantee just about everyone reading this has done this at least once. I will give you an example… “I’m really sorry that I hurt you when I hijacked a bus full of polar bears and drove them to your concert where they started eating people, but I did it to make your show more memorable!” or how about “I’m really sorry your mom heard about me saying your penis is the size of a contact lens, but I was really mad about you being fifteen minutes late, I had no idea she was standing behind me, and you know I love your penis even if it’s not gigantic!”

Am I being ridiculous? Alright. How about this. “I’m sorry we got in that fight, and I know I said some mean things, but I was so angry because I thought you were cheating on me. I realize you weren’t, but you can’t blame me for being angry. You were 30 minutes late. Of course I was worried you might be running late because you were sneaking around my back. Sharon told me you do stuff like that. So I am sorry I said those rude and crappy things, but I did it out of anger. I mean, everyone gets angry right? So no big deal. I didn’t mean anything I said, I just got jealous.”

Let me translate this for you – how it sounds to the person you’re apologizing to: “I got in that fight because I got jealous over a bit of gossip I heard because I talk about you behind your back all the time. I know I said some really rude and out of control things, things which were unacceptably hurtful to you, however it’s actually your fault and the fault of the person I talk behind your back to, so I’m not sorry at all. I am also a jealous and overly emotive psycho. Can we still be friends?”

Now let me try to properly apologize using the above example… “I’m so sorry we got in that fight, and I’m sorry for the things I said which were totally out of line. I realize now completely overreacted because I’d heard some gossip which I never should have believed. I hope you can forgive me for my totally out of line behavior.”

See the difference? One puts the onus on everyone but myself. The other shows me asking for forgiveness, placing the blame on myself, and showing the other person I recognize what I did wrong. Apologies are not for making excuses about bad behavior. Apologies should be given once (don’t stalk someone to apologize to them repeatedly in the hopes of getting their forgiveness,) and should show the person who RECEIVES the apology that the person GIVING the apology realizes the offense was wrong, that they were wrong, and that all they truly wish to receive forgiveness for their mistakes – and that forgiveness is a request, NEVER A DEMAND or a manner of guilting someone. If you need to say I’m sorry, there is no other excuse than “I fucked up, this is how I fucked up and hurt you, and I’m sorry and hope you forgive me.” It is NEVER “Sure you’re hurt, but I didn’t really fuck up because of these reasons (reasons given here,) so it’s really your fault for being offended at my doing nothing actually wrong.”

Apologies with “but” in them mean you actually don’t accept blame, and make others think you lack empathy for their feelings.

Using an apology to make someone else feel badly about YOUR mistakes doesn’t seem like a “make this reconciliation happen” sort of type of action, does it? I don’t think so. 😦

Forcing a reluctant party to keep contact Ah, this one is always a big flaming red flag that you’re never going to keep your ex in your life, or get them back. How many times must I tell you to STOP STALKING YOUR EX. If someone seems uncomfortable to be speaking with you or is replying with answers that do not invite any further conversation, they likely do not wish to stay in contact. Even if they answer your calls, if every time they speak to you, they seem cold and aloof, it’s time to stop calling that person. You’re being an annoying pain in the ass stalker. Sure, maybe it makes you feel better to relentlessly look at their facebook, and occasionally call them with or without the assistance of booze fueling your conversation, to just hear their voice answer you. Do you think it makes them feel better?

I can’t tell you the last time I was happy to hear my phone ringing at 1am. I’m pretty sure it was never, though admittedly in my younger days some of my close friends and I would call each other in the wee hours and it was not a super big deal. However, if my ex was on the other line at 1am, it definitely was never that I was happy to get that call. Like most people, I hate that.

You know what else most people hate? The ex that won’t stop calling over stupid stuff. Oh, you found my socks? Um, well keep them or throw them out. Do I remember your sister’s babydaddy’s first cousin? No, not really. Oh, he died? Oh. I’d say sorry, but I don’t even remember meeting that person. Why yes I did see the season finale of Sons of Anarchy. No, I don’t really want to discuss your thoughts on Ron Perlman’s character. See, even contacting your ex over negligably stupid things and acting like you’re having a normal conversation with someone who does not really feel like speaking to you (probably because you’ve committed a few of the offenses herein listed,) is just creepy. If you call someone once a week to discuss random things, and that person seems non-receptive to your calls, or even as if they really want to get off the line, then stop calling.

And if they don’t answer? My rule of three works wonders here. Never contact anyone more than 3 times (regardless of what form of contact…a text and 2 calls, 2 emails and a text, or 3 calls, etc,) if they do not respond to the first three contacts. Never. Why? Because after three attempts, you’re just being creepy. If you get the feeling the person does not want to talk to you or is being avoidant, keep in mind you’re probably being creepy, and maybe you should stop calling to discuss your feelings about if stevia is better than refined sugar, or if you think the zombie apocalypse is around the corner.

What you fail to realize is that person is not apt to forget you overnight (not at all, probably will remember you even 5 years from now,) but if you persistantly annoy them with unwanted contact, they will only remember you as an annoying creepy stalkerish nut. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather stop bothering that person, let them get over whatever happened to kill our friendship or relationship, and remember me fondly…especially if I was using spellcraft to get them back. If I keep pestering that person when they’ve made it clear they are uncomfortable having ANY discussion with me, perhaps I should stop taking advantage of their politeness (assuming they answered,) and back off. This way, when I do spellwork (assuming you are,) they will be more apt to remember the fun times with me, rather than the fact that I call to talk about nothing because I’m a bit obsessive and just can’t let go. In other words, until you take the hint to stop calling/contacting that person, you’re just making a situation where you’re bothering the person and making them remember you as a total fruitbasket of misery.

Calling a non-responsive or disinterested party is disrespectful of their needs and wants. If you do this, you look selfish and creepy.

Acting insensitive, stalkerish, selfish, and creepy doesn’t seem like a “make this reconciliation happen” sort of type of action, does it? I don’t think so. 😦

Acting like the martyr for love I’ve gone over this before. More than once. You know what’s really unsexy? Looking like a crazy freaked out weirdo with severe emotional issues. You probably think that’s what I was addressing above, but it comes in a more sinister forms.

Many of you who will read this have that friend (or, eek, maybe it’s you!) who posts a picture of their boyfriend or girlfriend making out with them on their facebook, only 3-4 weeks later post something like “Oh yeah? You don’t think I have feelings but I do. I’m better than you, and I don’t even need you. Maybe when you’ve walked a mile in my shoes you might understand why I am who I am. It’s thoughtless bastards/bitches like you who have turned me into this person, but I’ve fought on, and I am better than you. I learned that today when you squished my heart under your heel and told me I’m not even good enough for you.”

Ugh.

You know, as a side note, I’ve seen 3 people discuss what awful people their spouses are, and how it’s over on facebook, only to see those people are still together. That is also a bad idea. Keep your damn relationship problems OFF facebook.

Digressing back… You know who doesn’t know who you’re speaking of? Probably your Farmville or Cityville or Castleville friends who have no freaking clue who you are anyhow. Everyone else knows. And you’re being a passive-aggressive toolbox acting like a 12 year old who just got PMS for the first time, and everyone really doesn’t want to read your douchey statements which merely reflect your character in a quite negative way. I’m sure your ex is really sorry they left you, and when I say that I’m being completely sarcastic. You’re more apt to get unfriended than to make anyone feel badly for you.

But martyr for love also finds itself in other forms, not just in the facebook-doucheberry style as mentioned above.

Stop acting like you’re on the brink of death. Get dressed – get out of your fucking pajamas, and put some real pants on already. If you normally wear make up, put that on. Stop looking like you’re trying out for a role as an extra in a zombie movie. Stop crying everywhere. Look healthy, at least content, and normal. Even if you feel like eating 2 gallons of chocolate icecream that you put vodka in, and even if you just watched The Notebook 4x in a row while sobbing just yesterday, don’t let other people know that. Stop it. It’s creepy. Your ex will be terrified of you, plus probably resent you for the scene you’re making. Your friends will just hope you calm down soon, or maybe even stop associating with you if you don’t snap out of it.

I’ve made more than one of you giggle when I told you about the time I broke up with a guy I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKED (I think I was already in love with him, actually,) and he picked such a fight with me one night that I told him it was done. At the time, he seemed amenable to the idea, which meant basically we broke that off. So, after that, when I went out, I acted like I was having the time of my life. On the surface, I probably looked more like I wanted to shake off any reminder of him. However, often when I got home I’d go cry alone for some time after that. 😉 So it was “Woohooo! Let’s party! Woooo!” in public, and at home when all by myself, it was more like “Waahhhhh, why was he such a dick to me that I had to leave him? I love him so much, waahhhhhhhh, we were meant for each other, but he forced me to leave him, waahhhhh.” Still, I did not show others that. I didn’t post it on facebook (which I am not sure was really popular yet anyhow, hahahahaha, seem to remember that was MySpace times.) I did not call that guy and say that to him (I did call him with my ass once, and he screamed profanities to my bum since it was like 1am, he gets up at 6am, and I needed to get a number out of my cell that was next to his in my phonebook…then I sat on the phone and called my friend on the landline while my ass called him using my cell in the middle of the night, hehe – see why this is a bad idea in the paragraphs under “Forcing a reluctant party to keep contact” even if your ass and not you did the calling :D) and just generally, I tried to give the public the idea that I was over it. Really. I don’t cry when I get home. That doesn’t happen. Fuck that guy, right? Right. Admittedly, I’m sure people had an idea I wasn’t over it, but I at least tried to look like I was happier without him or that the break didn’t phase me. Why? Because if I was crying in public and looking crazy as shit, everyone would just think I was crazy as shit. 😛 I would be annoying to be around. I would not only scare my ex off even more (it was a pretty epic fight, honestly, so we were both pretty scared of each other already,) my own friends would be worried I needed some severe emotional help.

HOWEVER, you need to keep in mind, if you’re out and about looking like a depressed headcase and crying over the break, or posting all sorts of emotional crap on social sites, speaking endlessly of your pain in public, your ex MIGHT feel bad for you…in the sense they may think you need some emotional/mental help. Like counselling. They won’t want to come back, they will just hope you find psychiatric care. Your friends will be very uncomfortable to be exposed to this too. So they might also think that about you. It won’t change their opinion of you in a good way. It’s also very unsexy. If you want someone to be attracted to you, you should try looking and acting attractive, not dishevelled and psychotic…since dishevelled and psychotic is really not attractive in the least.

If you publicly display your grief, you will not be furthering your own cause, you will merely underline to all who witness you in this state that you’re mentally and emotionally unfit, plus that whole staying in your jammies stained with your tears and the vomit caused by drinking 22 Bud Lites is so so unsexy.

Looking unsexy and crazy doesn’t seem like a “make this reconciliation happen” sort of type of action, does it? I don’t think so. 😦

And this is the tip of the iceberg….I could go on for another ten pages, I just adressed the main offenses I could think of off the top of my head.

You know, before any of you think I’m trying to sit on my high horse and look down at all of you, I’ve probably done everything on this list at least once. Sure, I was a lot more young and stupid back then, but I learned my lessons from experience as well as dealing with clients in relationship-distress for many many years. I strongly hope a few of you who contact me go over this list…perhaps take a peek at this article as well, because if you do, you might salvage that relationship you want to get back together before you kill just about any chance of being able to. I want your reconciliation spells to work. I want you to be happy again…but that might not be possible if you can’t stop getting in your own way with bad actions brought on by emotional distress or perhaps a really messed up view on proper social interactions.

Hopefully a spell will be up soon again,

Best,

~Cat

NEED HELP – CONTACT ME. 🙂

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