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All stolen from facebook – I am not the author, but all of them made me laugh, and they now come from the vast collection of memes on my iPhone, ha ha. Enjoy, and feel free to grab any of the images in this post for your own use!
I'm also full of funny non-occult based pictures. I'm that annoying shitposting friend on your social media (if we were social media friends, that is.) 🙂
Hey there Occulties,
I hope everyone who celebrates had a fantastic holiday "week," – or at least here, up in the Northeastern USA, it was definitely a full week. A lot of people celebrate Canada Day here, too. 😉 Mr NinjaCat is off of work until I think around the 21st, so just as a reminder – while it is always my policy to have me call you, please DO NOT CALL MY LANDLINE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES because you are apt to disrupt Mr NinjaCat. When he's not working, he's a lazy bum who likes to take naps on the couch. This means that everyone in Portland Maine has already annoyed the feck out of him, since all of those obnoxious confirmation calls for things like the vet and the salon have already awoken my napping spouse. 😉 As I answer some or none of those (sorry businesses,) I have been trying to curb them for a few weeks, but with little success. Here he was thinking I spent all day in pleasant silence. Ah, no, there is a constantly singing bird and a frequently ringing phone…but let's try to let him nap, ha. 😉 He is lucky to have this much time off, – his boss is off for a wedding or something before their next job. :P
But my husband getting a nice long (but unpaid) vacation has not stopped business for me, so even though business has been pretty strong throughout the holiday (I assume that alcohol and Mercury retrograde have a hand in it), I figured I'd take some time out to get a nice article out for you – singing bird and ringing phone in the background the whole time, ha ha.
So a big focus lately at work has been dealing with a "difficult" or "stubborn" target. Now, I know I've said this before, but, in my experience, the most troublesome target is not the "stubborn" one, but the "wishy washy" kind, or the one who is "afraid to rock the boat." Stubborn people are at least decisive people. Indecisive people, people who don't like to take a lot of action? They are influenced by your work, but then they don't want to make waves by reacting. Ick! Of course, as I've said before, also, a lot of the solution can lie in making your target uncomfortable. See, a comfortable person does not need to make any change, but if they feel uncomfortable in their situation while simultaneously being influenced to change their position on something (generally this is a love problem where people are asking why someone isn't reaching out, or asking to come back,) then they take the steps you want and make the change you want. For example, someone will come to me and have a "friends with benefits" situation that they want changed into a real relationship. The target is not reacting to the love work they are doing on them because the target DOES NOT HAVE TO. They are getting all the parts of the relationship they want, without making it a real relationship. Sure, the love influence is hitting, but they haven't made the changes the petitioner wants, because the petitioner is having sex with them and treating them like a boyfriend/girlfriend already. See…that's a comfortable target…that target has no reason to make a change.
In these situations, the petitioner is understandably uncomfortable with cutting their partner off sexually, because that could mean losing the person entirely. It's a risk that they don't want to take. 😦 Is there anything magical that we can do to make this person "uncomfortable" so that they make the move towards an actual relationship instead of staying in the "FWB Zone?"
Well, it's not always going to work (because sometimes you do have to take a risk,) but I do have a solution for many of you. So, in this case, we're going to make this person anxious that you might move on with another person of your desired gender if they don't make the relationship legitimate, but without you having to stop seeing them sexually. It does involve a small behavioral change from the petitioner, but nothing so grandiose as cutting them off sexually 100%.
Now this is a two-pronged approach: The petitioner will be working an attraction spell on themselves to amplify the attention from those around him or her, while also making the target obsessive. I have found that working a situation at multiple angles is often key to success, but for those of you who are beginners, this might be a little more advanced than what you're ready for. I mean, if I were to just talk to my somewhat practiced readers, something like a simple candle attraction spell for yourself, and then the Purple Skull Candle for romantic obsession for the target should do the trick.* The "behavior" from the petitioner is to just be a little less available. If the person calls or texts, wait a half hour or so before you initially respond. Don't be available for a every visit, have "plans." You're still going to be seeing this person, still having a FWB thing going, but just that being slightly-less available is going to make the target uncomfortable and worried that you're slipping away. The target should react by trying to make this a "real" relationship, to "tie you down" and ensure you don't run off. ;)
The spell linked above for obsession can be a difficult spell for an unpracticed person, but let me be frank here – I honestly think obsession spellwork is at least for someone a bit more intermediate. All too often, I have someone come to me with "Cat, why am I more obsessed after doing this work?" and then they tell me what they did for themselves, and it is because they partially cast the spell on themselves. 😦 If you need help, you can always contact me, but honestly, I can't make time for hours of free instruction, so please be courteous and don't expect hours of free consultation (I already work 16 hours a day many days.) If you're really overwhelmed or it is a difficult situation, I'd be more than happy to take you on as a client, or, if you want to do the work yourself, we can also book an appointment where I take all the time you need to walk you through the steps and coach you how to do the work yourself. I'm always happy to help, just…please be kind and realize it is my job, and so if you need more than say, 20 minutes of my time, you should probably employ me for my time, ha. 😉 I LOVE working on difficult problems, so don't hesitate to share yours with me. 😀
But, how about that attraction spell? Again, this does NOT need to be anything really excessive or complicated. If you have a preferred kind of spell you want to use and you feel you have some practice under your belt, feel free, – but for those of you who want me to suggest something for you, you might try the following:
You will need:
A red figural candle the same gender as the petitioner**
Attraction oil**
Magnetic Charm oil**
Look at Me oil**
Regular granulated table sugar
A small piece of paper with all of the edges torn off
A pen with black ink
A fire proof container like a cake tin or pie plate
Optional- a few hairs from the head of the petitioner (person who the spell is cast on behalf of.)
Write out the name paper by writing the petitioner's name seven times, like so (if the petitioner was named John Smith,)
John Smith
John Smith
John Smith
John Smith
John Smith
John Smith
John Smith
Now turn the paper so that the names are running vertically rather than horizontally, and write the command across the names as so:
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
The name paper should look a bit like a tic tac toe board. Spit in the center and place the hair in the center, now fold this in half towards you, and fold it in half towards you again, quartering the paper. Place this in your pie plate or other heatproof container. Place a few drops of each oil in your writing hand, and take the candle in your opposite hand. Using the hand covered in oil, anoint the candle with seven strokes UP (base to wick) while keeping an image of yourself (or the petitioner) being surrounded by desiring people of the desired sex making flirtatious glances in your mind's eye. If you feel that you can send energy, try to send RED energy into the candle while you anoint it. Sprinkle the sugar over it.
Place the candle on top of the name paper and light it. Now, if you are not the petitioner, replace "Me" with the petitioner's name. Say: "All eyes on me, all minds on me. Wherever I go, all are magnetically pulled towards me, desiring me and wanting me. Everyone near me is charmed by me, wanting me and wanting to be with me, as is my will, so it be!" Allow the candle to burn out. When it has, either hide the name paper near your front door (if you are in an apartment this may be right inside the door,) or bury it beneath your front doorstep.
That's all you have to do! Very easy, right?! 🙂 This should get heads turning your way ASAP!
So, if you combine that spell with the Purple Skull candle for Obsession (above) and just pull away from your friend-with-benefits a tiny bit (as described above,) you should be getting that person to move on making you really their boyfriend/girlfriend. If you need help, don't hesitate to contact me!
~Cat
*Some of the distributors in the article linked above have gone out of business or changed. While I still recommend Mountain Rose Herbs for your herbal needs, you should try Etsy for the candles, and Hoodooroots.com for the oils. If you have preferred sellers already that are not my preferred sellers, feel free to use that business! :)
**No doubt that someone (or multiple someones) will complain that these are items they do not have access to, or that the condition oils come from a specific seller, etc. Let me say that while I definitely do not think you should buy cheap crappy oils that are nothing but scented oil and not the real thing, I do understand that some people either prefer a different seller, or that others are like "I can get a red candle but it's not shaped like anything, and a shaped candle costs more," and I agree with those people that this should not make them unable to do a spell. Technically, unless the candle is the wrong gender but still a figural candle, or the figure it does depict is like…a reaper or something clearly off, yes, you can just use a regular old red candle. You can also reduce the number of oils to one, and just make sure it is an oil which has to do with attracting someone in a romantic way.
Hey there Occulties,
So, it's come to the time where people are making problems with their beloved (yay, Mercury retrograde,) and then making some pretty non-magical mistakes in reconciling that person or in navigating their situation well. While I'm so much more about the magical fixes (yay, magic!), I am also very aware that if you can't handle it in the mundane world when it comes to relationships, you could easily flub your spellwork up and stop it from manifesting. 😦
While I'm a HUGE FAN of this article, allow me to also say…
People (just people in general) tend to exaggerate and lie, and even moreso in emotionally-charged situations. Stop believing everything your ex/beloved said as being 100% truth. I will have people tell me so-and-so always "tells tall tales" (exaggerates when relaying a story to the point of fabrication,) only to then complain about details of this person's story that are scary and upset them. If the person is a known exaggerator or liar, why take anything they say as truth? You need to depend on your OWN OBSERVATIONS to get the real truth, not what that person told you.
Are you upset? Angry/Sad/Hurt? PUT DOWN YOUR SMARTPHONE! DO NOT TEXT OR MESSAGE THAT EMOTIONAL MESS AT SOMEONE. Wait until you're calm, collected, and NOT EMOTIONAL before you contact that person.
Silence is a bit like a "not guilty" plea, – because you can always change your plea if a good deal comes your way (USA court system, sorry, lawyer's kid, and yes, always initially plead not guilty and also say nothing except to identify yourself, lol,) AND you can always say what you need to say but you CANNOT TAKE BACK WHAT YOU HAVE SAID. So, when in doubt? Silence is the answer!
Apologies are for the person APOLOGIZING, not so much for the recipient, – apologize once, don't have a "BUT" in that apology (buts stink!) and then do not apologize again. All it does is remind the person you hurt how you hurt them. It's like reopening the wound! So apologize ONCE if you must, but don't over explain yourself or repeatedly grovel for forgiveness.
Get off of social media. It creates so much mental illness that I could start a clinic just to cure people of social-media histrionics. Seriously. If you're "not in a good place right now," you need to take a break from social media.
Drugs and alcohol may complicate the situation. Try to avoid imbibing intoxicating substances if you're already low on self-control.
Don't act weird. If you think you are acting weird, you are acting super-weird. How do I know? As human beings, it has, historically, been in our best interest to notice little deviations from someone's normal behavior as a matter of survival. If someone started acting strange, it could mean they were going to harm us, or it could mean they were afraid of something…which could be a danger to us. Therefore, everyone has a "radar" and notices weird behavior. So, if you think you can't act "normal,' you might want to excuse yourself from a situation for a little bit until you calmed down.
Don't throw yourself at your target! I've been over this before, kids. Target flirts, you reciprocate at about an equal level of flirting. Target says something that is positive that ends with a "shut down" phrase, grasp the positive, and just so slightly expand to make it more positive. So, if your target says "I love those shoes, are those new?" you do not respond with "I love you and want you back in my life," but rather, something like "Oh, these? I got them a few weeks ago. I noticed your shoes, too! You always did have great taste in fashion!" If target says "Sometimes I still miss what I had, but I don't know if I could ever deal with the mess we went through again." You don't reply "OMIGOD, WHY WILL YOU NOT FORGIVE ME WHEN I LOVE YOU!!!" Instead you might try something like "Yes, I agree with you. Things got really tough at the end, but I have really great memories of you, too. I'm so happy we've had some time apart to work on our issues. It helps me to remember you very fondly and to put that hurt behind me."
See, these are all easy things we can do to improve love/reconciliation situations. They aren't even magical.
Magic is a wonderful thing. It can put the odds ever so much in your favor, but you do need to work with the spellwork. Sometimes this can seem far more difficult than people realize it could be. Inching towards your goal (and many spellwork cases do have a period where someone is inching towards what they need/want,) can feel very frustrating. Don't worry – IT GETS BETTER. Just because there is a week or two where there is just very small progress…well slow progress IS STILL PROGRESS, and guess what? Most of my clients (and some of my readers) actually begin to freak out when manifestation starts hitting strongly. It can be even more overwhelming to have someone do a complete 180 degree flip and suddenly go from thinking you're OK and all to seriously wanting you (or wanting you back.)
Now, I will see if I have time today to write you up a nice spell article, but as a reminder, do not let booze and frustrated love feelings ruin your spellwork this Canada Day/Fourth of July week. I've seen too much carnage in my inbox this week already (OMIGOD PUT THE SMARTPHONES DOWN!!!) and I know it isn't over yet. 😉 I want to hear you're reunited with your loved one or that you're with that person you've been crushing on….not that you drank too much and totally texted a picture of your butt to your intended's best friend because your fat drunk fingers hit the wrong contact. That's no good. Let's not do that. 😉 Hopefully this article has reminded you to be your best you during this Mercury retrograde/Holiday week.
~Cat
PS- I am not really going anywhere for the holiday, so if you need me, chances are, I'll be here. 😉
Hello my occulties,
You know what's fun? When you forget to save something and your computer reboots of it's own accord and kills whatever you were writing. Isn't that fun? No, it actually isn't.
Anyhow, tragedies of modern day computing aside, today I'd like to thank St Expedite, who, as he almost always does, has come through with results for my request quickly. I know a lot of you are curious about this saint, and I did write a blog post on him many moons ago, but for those of you who have asked recently – what do I recommend his help on:
Needing housing quickly
Needing money quickly
Getting a raise/promotion
Needing a slow moving situation to speed up (example, an interview process or a loan*)
Clearing an obstacle (for example, having a bank error that might take UP TO 30 days to resolve, so it cuts down that time)
Ending procrastination
Having someone make contact – this is not a full list of things you can ask his assistance on, but, generally speaking, these are the things I ask him for assistance on.
However a lot of people do like to try using St Expedite for matters of the heart, and in my experience, "rushing" someone to return to you often ends with a quick sexual encounter or a quick outburst of love, which can – and often does – fade just as rapidly, and leaves you in a worse position than you were. This may not be your experience, so you are free to try, but I am not here to comfort you if it ends poorly. ;)
I also do not recommend asking him for a speedy revenge on someone. As he is a saint, those requests do not often go down well. 
Also, always remember to "pay the saint." Leave a piece of poundcake and light a candle to him when he rewards you with what you prayed for. :)
Does this really work? It works SURPRISINGLY WELL. I can't thank St Expedite enough for all of the times he saved my butt (because I am sometimes bad with money, and need help in a hurry.) I know he can help you, too. No, you don't have to be Catholic – in my experience, he helps everyone. Please visit my old post for instructions!
Glory to you, St Expedite!
~Cat
*It's imperative that you remember that asking a decision to come through quickly does not mean the decision will be in your favor. So if you pray that someone make a decision, be sure you ask that it is IN YOUR FAVOR. Similarly, if you want someone to make contact fast, remember, they might not be saying what you want them to say. Always clearly express what you want, but remember, as I've said in previous posts, you do not want to be TOO PICKY. Being too exacting means the petition may go unanswered as it has too many things required for it to be manifested for you, being too vague can bring blah or unwanted results.
Hey everyone,
Due to some family stuff that Mr NinjaCat has going on, I will not be taking a break in July from new cases. He has to go to his home state which obviously means he will be gone from his job for a little less than 2 weeks, and that means that yours truly needs to keep the home fires burning and the bills paid because you don't get paid if you don't work (at least we don't,) and if he's off in another state taking care of some family stuffs, he's not working. 😉 I DO want to get that book out to you as soon as humanly possible, but it looks like my "writing vacation" will have to take place later in the summer or in the early fall.
So, bring me your tough cases. I love when you do! 🙂 And I am welcoming all cases – from return clients or new clients!
~Cat
Hey Occulties,
I truly love this site because they show the shadow period and that can suck sometimes worse than the full retrograde. So, for those of you who totally don't click links because why should you, that means the shadow period starts June 20. That gives you just shy of a week before things potentially get all fucky. It doesn't mean panic, and I think the site itself explains the common planetary retrograde very well.
That said, if experience has taught me anything, people with communication problems in their relationships will be coming to me very soon. 😉 That's good – BUT, we are almost reaching the "Cat has to stop taking new (never before seen) clients for a short time to finish her book," part of the year (July – all people I've worked for before, however, are free to get new work during that time, and new clients who purchased prior to that time will continue to receive attention,) and that will coincide with some Mercury Retrograde. 😦
In an effort to assist those of you who might find yourself in a foul situation, and you don't know me so I'm like "Talk to me in August" (I admit to being a more giving person when I've actually worked for you before – so if I haven't worked for you before it could happen,) the easiest thing I know to help with blocked or bad communication is to get an orange candle, carve "(Name of target) communicate with me" UP (base to wick) the side of the candle anoint with roadopener oil, roll this in tobacco, lemongrass and sugar, and try to charge this with orange energy, envisioning you and your target freely conversing. Now place this in a fireproof dish (I prefer a pie plate with sand in the bottom,) and light this as you say "I keep open all the channels of communication between myself and (name of target,) and strengthen our bonds of love and of friendship, that we continue to speak our minds and hearts to each other, free from any blockage between us, as is my will, so be it." Let that candle burn out. It should restart communication.
HOWEVER, if you find yourself in a really big mess, you can always contact me. I love fixing big problems. 🙂
~Cat
Hello Occulties,
I may have actually somewhat recently shared a similar spell, but a client asked after it, and I figured if I am going to type the damn thing out, then everyone might as well enjoy it. ;)
The following curse is intended to send damage back to a person who is speaking badly about you, gossiping, or causing you trouble. If you just don't like someone because no reason other than they annoy you, it probably won't work. 😉 The idea is this works by reflecting the INTENTIONAL HARM this person is trying to cause you back on to them. So, if they never meant you any harm, but you, for example, are really mad that they painted their house blue when they live next door to your blue house, this isn't the curse you're looking for. If, however, someone is telling everyone you're a liar and a cheat and you slept with an entire hockey team once, this would work well for you.
This is relatively simple to do, but pre-emptively, the substitute for any ingredient you do not have or action you cannot undertake is to find a spell you have all of the ingredients to and can perform all the actions of. Due warning, you will need proximity to the target to perform this spell.
You will need:
A dual mirrored compact which you have never looked into
An image of your target
A black permanent marker (I use an extra-fine sharpie marker)
Black electrical tape
Optional: Black arts oil or Goofer dust
Mirrored compacts are usually in the grooming and/or cosmetics section of a drug store or even a place like Wal-mart. I know a fair amount of men who would have a problem locating these. 😉 They seem to most often be where hair brushes and nail clippers are. Purchase one WITHOUT LOOKING INTO THE MIRROR. You are NEVER to gaze in this mirror. Procure an image of your target. Make sure this image is sized so that it can fit inside the compact without being folded.
Now wait…you will need to catch the image of the target in the mirror of that compact AT LEAST THREE TIMES. It must be an odd number of times, but at least three. And you DO NOT want them to catch you doing this. This might be difficult for some of you, but I know you are all creative so I know you can figure it out. For example, I live right next to the main road of my city, and a lot of people walk through the alley here next to my PC. If the person was local, all I have to do is wait. >:) HOWEVER, when I lived in a smaller place, driving by the person's home when they are working in the yard would do the trick (just don't drive by three times in a row in the same hour and look all stalkerish.) 😉 Each time you catch their reflection in the mirror (and you're going to be approximating the moment this happens as this should be facing away from you,) say "(Target name), anything against me that you say or do bounces off of me and just hits you," as you do so.
Once you have done this at least three times (I prefer 9 times, but I'm honest with myself and know most of you don't have that patience, ha ha,) take the image of your target, and write "(Target name), anything against (Petitioner name) that you say or do bounces off of (Petitioner's Name or Me) and just hits you," around them (you can just write it by letting it "hug" the corners of the image), repeating the command as many times as needed so that it goes around the picture. Just to make you all wonder what language I write it when using my handwriting (I unfortunately grabbed a fat marker and ripped a pic out of an old Vanity Fair,) I mean write it around the image like the below. 
I will try to update that with something that makes me look a bit less handwriting-challenged later. 😉 If you have Goofer dust (sprinkle a bit on the image. If you have Black Arts oil, anoint the edges of the photograph. If you have neither, don't worry. It still works without. Slip the image into the compact. Now, take your roll of electrical tape, and begin wrapping this compact with the tape to cover it (you will likely use the whole roll,) wrapping AWAY from you as you chant, "(Target name), anything against (Petitioner name) that you say or do bounces off of (Petitioner's Name or Me) and just hits you," until you have covered the item with the tape, and when you have, finish by saying "As is my will, so be it!"
You have two options for dispersal. If you can hide this in a crossroads where it will not be found, place it there. If, however, you can't think of any crossroads where you can hide this thing where it won't be found and/or disposed of in the trash, the bestest place ever (in my opinion,) is to place it so it twists in the wind. I make a little tail on that tape and I'll tie it up in a high tree branch in a secluded place. As long as it twists in the wind, the person who would tormented you will be tormented by their own actions against you.
Now I know many of you will say "Cat, can't I just catch their image in that compact by flashing it at a picture of them or their Facebook or something?" The answer is no, it doesn't really work very well like that. You're free to try, but I am afraid that it often seems to have very lackluster results in that case. There are similar spells where you could get away with not catching their reflection in that compact, but I am not sharing those ones today, so you'll just have to deal with it. 😉 I actually love this version, because I find it very easy to do and it has very few ingredients. MOST "enemies" are people we encounter on a frequent basis, which is why we don't like them so much, so I would think a lot of people can successfully do this curse.
Happy Hexing!
~Cat
This spell is copyright OriginalNinjaCat.com, Copyright strictly enforced. I offer a reward for catching plagiarists, so if you see someone ripping me off, please let me know. 🙂
Hey all,
Hilariously I have been asked by 4 or 5 people if I am dead or OK, because I haven't been writing….at least not where these people could see my fingers tapping away. The reality is that I have been writing A LOT, just most of it is email. 😉 That's a good thing. I love working for others, and the fact that my days are pretty full of emailing and spellcasting is a truly happy thing for me.
Unfortunately, my smelly little parrot sleeps in the kitchen. He can't bear being in a cage with a blanket tossed over it like a normal pet bird going to sleep. Instead the little pooper flies up to the kitchen fan between 7-8 at night (he puts himself to bed,) and expects me to shut off the lights. This is fine and well and actually very cute until you consider that it means I don't have a PC once he goes to bed, because it's also in the kitchen and currently the cord is entwined in some form of hermetic knot with Christmas and Halloween lights which means if I try to move it, I knock over a kitchen chair, a pile of books, and probably somehow manage to trip myself on the cord and die just so I can put my laptop in the living room and type long things like articles and novel length emails. So, generally between 7-8pm this seems like a very herculean task, and I'm usually kind of tired and doing spells and other stuffs as is, and so…yeah, once my PC time is over, so is writing articles for the day, and if you asked me some essay questions, chances are I'll get back to you in the morning.
Of course this is concerning to those of you who perceive me as living through my blog and my twitter and nothing else. Those of you who are facebook friends are probably like "Please, Cat is posting stupid funny pictures at like 11:30p all the time" (and I do, generally, right before I go to bed, lol,) or are saying "That chick gets up at like 5:30 and posts things where she's pissed she's awake," (also true,) so you don't perceive me as "dead" or "missing." 😉 But I realize that is a tiny subset of people who are my friends on FB, so yes, just to assure you all, I'm quite alive.
ALSO, everyone should know that in a few weeks I'm going to restrict the number of cases I take with NEW clients (that is, people I have no experience with,) because the bulk of my "emails of novel length," are with people I have no experience with. This is going to allow me to have the time to finish writing my big book. 😀 HOWEVER, I know there will be a few people who have wanted to work with me who will be disappointed with me possibly delaying accepting their case. If you want to PREVENT that wait, please contact me ASAP, as right now, I am still accepting difficult cases, high maintenance cases, – all of it! 🙂 I have done this job for a very long time, and I know that most of the time, I am going to be needed for writing novel length responses in the first few weeks with a new client. After that, the client often calms and adjusts to the situation, and in many cases, there is tangible manifestation (that is, visible results starting) right around the same time which helps with many people's anxiety thus making less "novel-length replies" necessary. 😉 SO IF YOU AND I HAVE NEVER WORKED TOGETHER, AND YOU ARE INTERESTED IN WORKING WITH ME, PLEASE LET ME KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AS THERE MAY BE A DELAY IN PICKING UP YOUR CASE IN LATE JUNE/EARLY JULY.
Thanks everyone! I will try to disengage the power cord from those lights (some of them are shaped like spiders…it's much harder than it sounds, haha,) when I have an hour to waste, which will hopefully mean more articles.
~C
Thank you for helping me, St Expedite! I appreciate it so very much! As always, help came very fast – and exactly when I needed it! 🙂 I recommend your help to anyone who needs fast help on an urgent situation!
Hey everyone,
It probably doesn't surprise you but I love making people laugh. So I do hope this puts a smile on a few of your faces. If not, well…it is some sort of pseudo Mercury retrograde right now, and that's annoying, so I understand you being grumpy.
I realize we can't all be facebook friends…which I'm sure makes some of you sad because no doubt you wonder what sort of horrible fashion choices I've made in the past (many many bad fashion choices,) but I guess the following post I made is cracking people up, and I literally just had this conversation with Mr NinjaCat.
John: What's wrong?
Me: No one is having any problems lately. I wish everyone would start fucking up their lives so I could make more money.
John: There's the twisted woman I fell in love with.
To be fair, I like that people are happy, and believe me, NOT waking up to 150 emails of pure panic and mayhem is actually a good thing. It's that it isn't a lifestyle I'm accustomed to. When you spend a good part of your life taking care of other people's problems, it seems bizarre whenever people are all happy and getting along… And if I am being fair, I AM the reason that several people are in a "good place" right now emotionally or in their relationship. (It was my pleasure to help!)
I mean, as far as money goes, we aren't going to starve or live on the street so I'm sure we're OK, it's more like something is missing if someone ISN'T having an absolute meltdown. You don't realize how acclimated you are to meltdowns until you're like "What didn't happen today…what made today seem, well, quiet?" and it's that someone didn't freak out about something.
On the upside I have plenty of time to write my book and articles and so forth, so the lull is helping with that. But I'm not sure if I should congratulate everyone on not panicking and having really functional lives and relationships right now. I mean, I'm proud of all of you, and that's great…but is this some calm before an impressive storm? Are you all tricking me and then letting me get comfortable with this actual free time, only to take it away? I mean, this might surprise a few of you, but email has always been the time consuming jerk of my job. On average, I do about 8-9 hours of emails a day. That isn't a typo.
It isn't that sales are down (they are steady, actually), and it isn't that I have nothing to do…I am just suspicious of this mysterious "free time" thing from there being a lack of emails. Is my email broken? I even emailed myself. Free time is a real thing? I thought that stuff only existed in books!?
Mr NinjaCat noticed because it's been making me weird, and I've even told him that I've spoken to several people (like I said previously) who tend to have somewhat tumultuous lives, and they are all reporting contentedness. How odd. There are some bizarre money and bank errors…but…well, what is it? Why are you all so happy!? This isn't normal!? Send me something difficult and messy to fix. I question a reality in which people are balanced and happy.
A normal day means someone is going to cry about an emoji or an instagram post or ask me the deeper meaning of the text "I'll be there at seven," it means I will spend several hours trying to calm someone down because they had a bad dream. Because that's what I do.
And so it hit me, when I was having that convo with Mr NinjaCat… I miss having a high maintenance client or three. My dream of no high maintenance clients has been realized, and it is terrifying to me.
In all honesty, I'm really glad everyone is doing pretty well. In March I was pretty convinced that there was something in the water supply because people were just acting really freaked out and frazzled. I will say that much of the above is meant humorously, and it actually has been awesome to have time to write and to catch up instead of dealing with several multiple meltdowns at once.
I don't mind the occasional meltdown or emergency though, so if you need me, you know where to find me.
I guess I better finish that recon spell article I've been working on. I'm sure some of you are sick of hearing about me. See what happens when you start giving me free time – I actually do things like talk to people and have introspective moments and stuff. That's not cool. Hahaha.
~Cat
PS- Yes, this is an admission that I LOVE difficult cases. I absolutely do. The harder it is to fix, and the weirder the predicament you find yourself in is, the happier I am to help. You should also know that when I did the "Case study" both of those cases are 100% fiction, and yet several people were like "You blogged about me?" and I DID NOT. I get cases like both all of the time. It's because I love fixing difficult problems…they are the best.
Cat’s Rants: Confessions of an Occult Mastermind 
