Cat’s Rants: Confessions of an Occult Mastermind

Hi Occulties,

***RANT WARNING***

As many of you may have guessed, I often get some weird requests for help in my email…for example, a popular one goes a bit like this:

“I want to reconcile my ex I broke up with 5 months ago, and make them marry me!” (note: often the relationship being spoken of was not yet close to a proposal of marriage before or near-to the break up.)

Hmm…. You might want to be dating them again before you even consider marriage. Or perhaps being on speaking terms if you can’t manage DATING would be another suggestion. Getting that person to drop the restraining order they likely have against you would also be something I recommend. 😉

All humor aside, the problem the wouldbe petitioner is having is that they need to reach markers before they even get to marriage. Getting contact from the ex would be important. Reconciling to this person is as well. Then establishing trust again. Then having a functional happy relationship for a sensible period of time that seems leading towards marriage, etc. So the place to start would probably be to reconcile them. It’s a smaller step than putting a marriage spell on a person who shudders every time they run into you because they have that much animosity towards you, and a more likely goal to achieve…though if they really shudder when they see you, that is a rough place to start from even with just reconciliation being the goal.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I think spellcraft can bring you some amazing things, but if you’re always aiming for something which is likely well outside of your sphere of availability, you will more oft than not fall flat.

Here is another I get:

“I want millions and millions of dollars and to win the lottery! Or like…I’ll become a famous actor! Then I’d earn the cash!”

OK…let’s start with the lotto bit. The easiest way to explain this to people is that spellcraft isn’t going to work like that. Basically you’re asking for a better chance to win the lottery. So…let’s say your odds are one in 8 million with no spell. Now they are 1 in 2 million. Still better odds, yes, but probably not what you’re looking for. I’ve heard more hilarious eff up stories (from practiced magicians) than I have ever heard success stories with lottery spells (and the amounts for “success” were only in 5 figure amounts, and the number there is I believe 2 success stories, one of dubious value.) I am not counting the “won $50 (or less) on a scratchy ticket as my full manifestation” as success stories, though I know several of those. 😉

I could be mistaken here (don’t think so, though,) but lottery spells are a form of gambling spell. Gambling spells increase odds, they do not guarantee success. So, if you’re playing poker (and let’s assume you’re good at this game and have a talent with the cards,) and you use a gambling spell or charm, you will do far better than anything like a lottery spell – because the odds of winning at poker are incredibly better than winning at Powerball Lottery. That doesn’t mean you are not going to lose a hand or two at poker, just that your winning streak will (again assuming you have some skill, a good poker face, and you did the work right) be really great. Notice the points I’m repeating: has to know how to play, can’t be a complete fucktard and let everyone know s/he is holding a royal flush, etc. It will still require some skill on the part of the petitioner.

Not all games of chance require skill, but keep in mind the odds, and that gambling spellcraft, while it increases the odds of winning, it doesn’t guarantee you win. And if it takes skill as well as luck to win, you will have to have some skill to win.

Which is starting to bring me to my next point….getting some sort of high paying job will require you know how to do that job or have some talent at it. While the above person who supposedly asked to win millions or get an acting job might be an amazing actor, do they know any agents? are they located in a place where there are a lot of people hiring actors? How will they be noticed? And if they have no talent at acting, then why would someone hire them? Are they attractive? If not are they willing to lose 50 lbs, and get that crooked nose fixed? and then if they can’t act still, would they be taking acting classes? I’m describing a person who is grossly unqualified for the postion they are asking me to get. I have seen worse, including a person without even a high school degree wanting to be a surgeon. You can’t get a job you don’t have the trainings and qualifications to have. You can use spellwork to help bring smaller goals into fruition that might help to bring the better goal (for example no high school degree lady might use crown of success while taking the GED, and then use work to help get grants or money to go to college to work towards a medical degree, etc,) but if you have no training, no qualifications, and no realistic way of getting this dream job you want, chances are you won’t get it just because you lit a candle once.

“I want a spell that gives me (a bigger penis/a different shade of hair/grow taller/shrink smaller/turn me into a bear, etc)

You know, I’d like Ryan Gosling to come over here and clean my house without him wearing a scrap of clothing, but that’s not going to happen. (Well, it’s up to you Mr Gosling, the invitation is open, of course, heh.) Still I’d have an easier time of getting what I just asked for (though I’m pretty sure he’s outside my sphere of availability) than you do of changing your own physical body, especially if you’ve stopped growing (suchas with grow taller.) I get that there are people out there preying on the gullible…let me see if I can be more realistic for you. If you want a bigger penis, I have no idea what to tell you to do. I am pretty sure excluding a few unfortunates the real issue is your self esteem and not your wang. There are things you can do to boost your attractiveness level to others and those which might help your self esteem but your dong is likely to remain the same size regardless of those measures. As for those of you wanting a different shade of hair, I strongly recommend visiting a hair stylist or applying some do-it-yourself color from the store. Those who want to be taller or shrink….hmmm…one could wear lifts or high heels, and the other can wait for osteoporosis or spinal settling to occur. Lastly the person who wants to be a bear…hmmm… Go way far out in the woods where bears have been known to be seen roaming, slather yourself with honey, peanut butter and garbage. Wait for a bear to come and eat you. When the bear eats you, your cells will help make it’s cells, effectively making you a bear…or part of a bear..the parts the bear doesn’t just poop out make the bear, so I’m not technically wrong.

I don’t think anything is impossible, it’s rather that I think some things are so improbable they may as well be impossible.

Many of you would be doing so much better in your personal spellwork if you aim for a more realistic goal. If you want something really really really big, try getting there in say….5 steps instead of the one. 😉

***END RANT WARNING***

~Cat

8/15 PS- Thank you the now TWO readers who sent me really hot photos of Mr Gosling. ZOMG, he’s so hot!

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