Cat’s Rants: Confessions of an Occult Mastermind

Okay, I am in the middle of writing a nice article…and being asthmatic (yes, I smoke, too, and before you lecture, in is contradincative in smoking where it makes it better, whilst worsening your athsma if and when you quit smoking…) I realized I was out of my Bronkaid, and that I was a bit wheezy. This is the same as Primetene Tabs. Yes, I have an inhaler…3 in fact: Albuterol, Proventil, and Advair. All that really works is Albuterol, Proventil is the one for people no longer allowed to use CFC’s but who still want Albuterol (its garbage, think you are gonna die for 5 minutes, worst “emergency inhaler,” ever,) and the Advair was a lark on my doctor’s part to help with my allergies vs. my athsma. It sucked, and I don’t use it. It was not the wheeze requiring the Albuterol…then I would have taken it. It was the “I am living in a sealed house in the winter in NH and bronchial because I smoke and have 3 pets and old insulation,” wheeze.

So I haul-ass to the drug store. Mind you, ever since a bunch of people in the mid-west and perhaps west coast decided they could create a drug out of household cleaner and cold medicine, the other 99% of us who DON’T use crystal meth, nor would we (it makes your teeth and hair fall out, friends,) have unnecissarily suffered because someone got creative with psuedoephedrine and Clorox or something. People on the east coast have not yet really gotten into this weird trend of consuming Sudafed mixed with Mr. Clean (or something along those lines,) but we still forced to go to the counter in case someone on our side of the country gets this idea to start doing so. No biggie. I ask the druggist, “Do you have any Bronkaid?” He looks over, and he’s like “Doesn’t seem like we have it in stock.” So I ask, “Do you have Primatine Tabs then?” He looks over, scratches his melon, and walks over to the computer. “Oh, well the company is temporarily out of stock. Might be reformulating that due to those meth-kids out west,” says he.

Alright. Listen. IF IT AIN’T BROKE DON’T FIX IT. Bronkaid and Primetine Tabs rock and are great for athsma. For goodness sake, I have been taking Bronkaid and Primatene tabs since I was little FOR ASTHMA, and it works wonders, and my GODDAMN DOCTOR told me to take it YEARS AGO. Yep, you know what? It has either psudeoephedrine HCL (a form of ephedrine, for those of you curious,) or ephedrine HCL in it. I would need to check the box. However it is NOT ephedra (the “natural ephedrine” which is actually more dangerous than the chemical,) and is NOT crystal meth. Why did you diet freaks and junkies have to go about ruining a treatment for cold suffers and asthmatics that has been around for over 50 years? >:S This is my pointing finger pointing at you. Are you not ashamed? You should be. And YOU Bristol-Meyers-Squibb…I have my eye on you, and when I locate my empty BronkAid box, I am checking out your new box to see if you’ve ruined my formula. Please tell me you are not putting something god-awful like Dextromorphithan in there or something. Bleh.

This decade has seen the infective rise of PROHIBITING useful objects which are only dangerous to someone’s health when grossly misused. Geez, if I put toilet cleaner in my eyes, I would die or go blind, but they haven’t taken that off of the market because its useful for cleaning toilets. 😛 For goodness sake, Sudafed, STRAIGHT psuedoephedrine Sudafed, is safer at the regular dose than asprin is at the regular dose. Seriously…and I always crack up with the stupid-people warnings, like “do not eat this rat poision,” or the toothpicks also saying “inedible.” I’m very sorry for people so dumb that at an adult age, they cannot comprehend that poision will kill you, and that ingesting a toothpick is probably not bright either. Or the laundry detergent that says, “Avoid contact with eyes…” Really, I never woulda guessed. Some people are really hankering for a Darwin Award.

Alright homeys…here it is…if you can locate Bronkaid, the 60 tabs version…and I can respectably KNOW you have this box…and you are one of my peeps (as in, we ARE acquainted,) cuz I can’t trust this job to just anyone… Huck it over dis way. 😉 I will reimburse you. The only online options at my disposal involve me photographing my liscence (indentity theft, OH MY!)…for goodness sake its easier to get Oxycodone online from the looks of it. I have my NH peeps scouring Rite Aids and pharms everywhere for ONE DANG BOX as of tomorrow. If I find the box, I can hack up the yucko stuff much easier this winter.

Who in the hell changes a cold/athsma formula over the winter? Morons. Absolute morons. I’m so sick of feeling like a junkie looking for something I’ve taken since 12. 😛

Alright. If I get the bad yucks out of my lungs, this article may get finished. You are all on a mission from Cat here…which is less-important than a mission from God, but…well, I’m sure God is OK with this mission.

And you meth-heads…enough already! >:S Go make your drugs from other legal things people don’t need like Brussel sprouts or those little smelly trees people put in their cars or something.

~Cat

Well, happy birthday to me. It’s been a busy past few weeks, but I figure since it is my birthday that I will rant about what I want (Oh, btw, did I say today is my b-day, cuz it is,) and you can all read it. 😉

So, I purposefully named this post “Things that make you go ‘whut’” because “whut,” is the equivillant of “Are you kidding me?” or “You must be incredibly insane,” or “Can you actually think I am as inept as you are?” You know…not “What?” as in, “Excuse me, I don’t understand what you where trying to say,” but “WHUT.” Just like that. Sounds like a splatting noise. So WHAT is making Cat say “whut.” Well, let’s see…

1.) Someone took me out for my birthday last night and “bought” me a gift. I paid for both the dinner and the gift. How is that taking ME out…I didn’t even want to go have Chinese Buffet. So my “birthday dinner,” apparently was taking someone else out to eat the Chinese food he wanted, and of course, I do hope he enjoyed ME taking HIM out for my birthday. So, next we went to the store so I could pick out my gift. I’m figuring I woulda paid for dinner probably without caring but then we get to the check out, and he couldn’t even pay for the less than $20 gift I had requested. Mind you, I had other purchases, some of which were his things he asked me to buy him because he “needed them.” WTF. I am so glad I dropped $100 on myself and him last night for “my birthday treat,”when I needed that money today, and also, if I am not mistaken, a birthday treat is supposed to be paid for by someone other than the person who’s birthday it is. Aha, happy birthday to me.

2.) I was curious about this red-wine extract pill I’ve been reading about for months. Apparently Nature’s Way does a spectacular version for quite a lower price, so I ordered this through a supplier online. Immediately my card is declined. I check my balance online, and I have enough to make that purchase 5 or 6 times over. So, I just think it is some sort of glitch in the online store’s system. About an hour later I am at a convenience store getting some smokes, and again, I am declined – this time in front of a large crowd of people and for a purchase of such a small amount, it is one of those point and laugh at Cat moments. Apparently, though they DID NOT even authorize my purchase from the online store, the credit card people immediately put the kaibosch on ALL OF MY FINANCES because the online store is based in Wisconsin and I am in NH. Yeah, thanks for NOT CALLING ME when you did that, you f***ing morons. 30-45 minutes later, a very disappointed credit card security dude, who is now QUITE SHAMED for putting the smack down on my card because the only thing he was IMPEDING was the RIGHTFUL OWNER AND ACCOUNT HOLDER of said card from spending her money, apologizes to me. I was like, “Yeah, you have my cell phone on your records, and um, I purchase almost everything online and do travel a lot, so next time, call my cell before you cut me off from all of my own money, okay, honey?” I get a yes, ma’am. Good.

3.) I decide that although PayPal is ALWAYS preferred, (even when they are dum-kopf’s) that I will find myself a nice way to accept credit cards without using PayPal, so I can have even more interested customers…and I want a CC terminal (virtual of course,) which accepts credit cards but does not charge me more than that which would be too much for my income (generally the issue – if you make less than $5000 a month, it usually isn’t worth the bother.) I find a company that looks legit. So I apply. Instantly I get this email saying you are approved, and the rest of your application is on the way. Okay, well they needed a SSN, so I figure fair enough, I will dish that out when my application comes. Within 10 seconds or less of that email, I get another titled “Spam Alert: Your Merchant Account Application” Um, my Outlook Inbox never labels anything as “Spam Alert,” has NO spambox, and actually lets that spam flow right in. Suspect number one. The next 3 suspect things is that it 1.) says I am declined – less than 10 seconds after saying I was approved, 2.) misspells “cannot,” as “can not,” and 3.) has a link with a freaking REFERRAL name right on it, so the scammer can make a referral fee. SCAM SCAM SCAM. WTF, people, even my dog pulls a better con than that. So, anyhow, for the “RUN AWAY SCREAMING INTO THE NIGHT” award for credit card services (if you own your own business,) is these people (who are the same person, mind you,) so AVOID anyone with a site ending in merchantlane.net, or cardserviceunion.com, and the site where the scam is posted IS cardserviceunion.com. Its all BS. :S The people who were supposed to be cardserviceunion.com replied to me from merchantlane.net when I actually emailed them back about their con and still pretended to be legit. I contacted both sites with different email titles, and the mo-mo actually emailed me from the wrong site…woah, that was brilliant. Is anyone else doing a “whut?” LOL!

4.) After 4 years of telling my sister’s husband to call me Cat and to stop calling me by my first effing name since NO ONE CALLS ME BY THAT NAME, at Thanksgiving dinner, he says, “Oh, would you prefer if I called you Cat?” I say, “Well, yes, that would be why I’ve been repeatedly telling you to do so for 4 years,” to which he replies, “Really, I don’t remember you ever saying that,” and I just said, “Well, I guess you weren’t paying attention the 500 times I said it then.” My entire family starts laughing…apparently they DID hear me say that to him on multiple occaisions.

Ah, there we go…its those things that make me go WHUT. Now that I’ve blown off that steam, and feel better, I am putting on my princess tiara, and seeing what I bought myself for my birthday…since just about everyone borrowed money from me to buy me my gifts. 😛

Woohoo, presents!

~Cat

Hello Occulties,

And welcome to yet another edition of “Questions You’ve Asked Me,” a type of article SO popular, that I am considering creating its own catagory in the “Catagories” section. Here are some of the oft-asked, not-so-often-asked, strange, random, thought-provoking, and “things that made me go – ‘hmm,’” questions you have asked me in the past few months. Some may be humorous, so enjoy. 😉

Q: Can spells backfire?

A: No, not exactly. If you cast a spell, the OPPOSITE won’t happen to you. Like if I cast a spell for myself for money, I won’t suddenly find my bank account drained, and myself high and dry insofar as money goes. 😉 If I cast a love spell on so-and-so (who is apparently quite the popular one in this blog,) then so-and-so is not apt to run off and get married to some other so-and-so I’ve never heard of next week.

So then, if they don’t “backfire,” meaning they don’t do something completely opposite, what can they do? Normally, if the spell doesn’t work right, what happens is one of 2 things.

1.) The spell “fizzles,” meaning there is little or no effect at all. This is the MOST likely resulting effect of “spell failure.” Whatever you did has pretty much no effect. You wait. Nothing. You wait longer. Nada. This “result” is sometimes misinterpreted to have happened, however, in cases where your spell DID manifest, and well, but your target is keeping their feelings sheilded from you, suchas in the case of love spells.

2.) The spell manifests in an UGLY manner, which is less likely, but can happen. Sometimes I call this the “Monkey’s Paw Effect.” What happens here is that your spell DOES manifest, but in a rather unpleasant way, suchas if you cast a love spell and your target DOES fall in love with you, BUT your target becomes an obesessive stalker and won’t leave you be. :S OR your target DOES fall in love with you, but becomes abusive and cranky or philanderous. In a money spell example, let us take the ol’ Monkey Paw story…you ask for money, and someone you love dies so you get a huge insurance settlement. :S Woah…not fun, eh? However, before I get 800 emails about people terrifying themselves that this is what’s gonna happen, please remember, spell energies take the path of least resistance, meaning, if the “ugly” manifestation is the easiest way for the spell energies to take form, there is a possibility that they may, no matter how pure your intention. Normally, your Uncle Bob is probably quite healthy, and him dropping dead is not the easiest way for the money spell to manifest, so it doesn’t happen like that. Normally, making Eupheginea and Percival stay together forever is much easier accomplished by having them marry than have them horribly killed in an auto accident where their remains are inseperable. :S So…the really EXTREMO cases of the ugly manifestion are so MUCH the exception and not the rule, and I don’t want any of you to come shivering into my inbox asking of death and misery will ensue if you cast a spell (of a non-curse nature,) cuz I can 99% honestly say that it won’t happen. These examples, though possible, are more likely posted in a Silver RavenWolf title to scare you off from doing good and workable spellwork. If you are actually really worried, stipulate at the end of your spell “This spell shall not reverse, nor place upon me any curse.” That line works wonders for preventing some extremo case of spell manifestation uglies. 😀

Q: Do you have gay/lesbian love spells?

A: Certainly. Go over to the catagories section, and click on “Love/Reconcilation Spells,” where you will find love spells which are appropriate for people of ANY sexual orientation. If there are special instructions for gay or lesbian peoples, they will be in the directions. Believe it or not, just because I’m as straight as an arrow (sorry ladies,) that doesn’t mean I don’t TRY to make this blog useful to people of any gender or sexual orientation. 🙂 Anyone who tells you that there is no such thing as a “gay love spell,” is wrong for 2 reasons…1.) there are actually spells which were specifically created for gay people called “lavender love spells,” and 2.) all love spells work for all people regardless of if they love ladies or gents.

Q: You often speak of how “wrong” Hollywood is in portraying spells/magic/k – is it really THAT bad?

A: Uhh…worse than bad. The Skeleton Key had very little Hoodoo in it. Like, um, what in the eff were those spells, and what in the eff were those fake Ceremonialist seals doing and um, what in the eff for all of that movie – sheesh, if Cat Y hadn’t helped them, it would have been even MORE inaccurare…and had they actually listened closer to her, it might have been passably accurate. Let us not even begin on “The Craft,” cuz I don’t have enough room here…Fairuza Balk, I thought you WERE a Wiccan – wtf on moshing your own religion, girlfriend? Any movie I’ve ever seen on Vodou or ATR’s is pretty bunk, but I do admit to liking The Believers, probably because I just love when spiders come out of Helen Shaver’s face, lol…I know, Santero/as everywhere, its a horrible thing for me to say, but I WAS entertained in that case. 😉

So, yep, Hollywood does not portray spells or spellwork or magic/k in any realistic or accurate matter. They are there to ENTERTAIN, and in doing so MISINFORM. You have been warned.

Q: Why do so many of your spells use candles?

A: I have to assume it is the inordinate amount of fire signs in my astrological make-up. Also, I am all fire and water signs, and well…wax is kinda melty and watery when hot, isn’t it? *blush* So…um, sorry, I am just star-crossed to use lotsa candles, mi amigo.

Q: Someone told me that the best way to get a love spell to work on a particular person is to cast it on myself – is that true?

A: Uhhh…well, maybe in their humble opinion, but not in mine. If the quickest route between two points is a straight line, then what is the idea of staying on one point? LOL, okay that was confusing. I would say the BEST love spell would include both of you as targets or working directly upon who you desire. The idea of casting the spell “on yourself,” when you want another person is the Karma Police’s idea of ensuring you aren’t mis-using another’s free-will…a big no-no in some Wicca/Neo-Pagan trads. Though these individuals are welcome to their own religious beliefs, that is just what that idea pretty much comes from…religious beliefs telling certain individuals that working against the free will of another is a bad thing. We all know that I’ve spoken on the “free-will hysteria,” more than once here in the Rant Room…won’t get into it again. But if you want MY OPINION of the best way to get a love spell to work on a particular person, MY OPINION (and many other peoples’ opinions,) is that you need to cast that spell directly on who you desire (suchas using a figural to represent them, casting the spell directly on them without figurals, etc,) or on the both of you at once (such as with using 2 figurals to represent you, 2 lodestones to represent you, or a bride and groom candle to represent you both.) Hope that clears that up. 😀

Q: What religion are you?

A: I’m not sure. I just know that I am some religion that can’t really qualify as an organized one. It’s sort of a potpourri of many religions. If its any help, I do believe there is a Godforce, and I’m pretty sure that Godforce really likes me…well, most of the time. Now that you are even more confused, let us on to the next question…

Q: I’m looking to hire a professional to cast a spell for me – any tips?

A: Sure, the number one is how AVAILABLE is that person to you before, during, and after the spellcasting? If the answer is that they ARE available, this probably means they are legit. That being said DO NOT HARRASS YOUR SPELLCASTER BY CALLING/EMAILING SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. In fact, if you need to call/email the spellcaster more than a few times a week (which is still a lot,) then you are probably aggravating them. Prospellcasters have a lot of clients and you aren’t the only one. Constantly pidgeon-holing anyone isn’t a bright thing to do…in fact it shows how RUDE someone is if they do such a thing.

The number two tip I have is to AVOID any person advertised in the “paid” section of your search. No one legit makes enough money to advertise services there…well, at least there is a 99% chance they don’t. :S Plus, if I can only handle a certain number of clients a day/week/or month, I can assure you that the number I can handle is far smaller than that which I would get if I was a top paid search result. Use your head. Spellcasting takes A LOT of energy, and only so many spells can be cast in a day before there is going to be enough of a drain on that energy that would make the spellcaster ineffective if they attempted to spellcast for you.

The number three is if someone stipulates that a positive spell can’t be cast during a waning moon – UNLESS THEY ARE WICCAN, in which case, that might be true, depending on their level of practice. An advanced Wiccan could use a waning moon to their advantage. If you don’t really know how to use ANY lunar cycle to your advantage, then you are not educated enough to sell spellcraft to the public, IMHO. One thing I can think of, though, is I did once see a really cool site for an affordable full-moon casting by a coven, and that seemed pretty legit. 🙂 See what I’m trying to say, though? Lunar cycles do not entirely decide spellwork for hire unless the spellworker is not accomplished or learned enough to be capable to do a working regardless of lunar cycle if need be. Hoodoo is more dependant on SOLAR influence, as are most ATR’s, so if the moon is right, all the better…but if it isn’t…eh, well, no biggie. 🙂

And though there are many more, I am only doing four (hey, I just rhymed…) If the California Astrology Association is selling it, AVOID, AVOID, AVOID…everything they do is crap.

Q: If I put a curse on someone, will I get hurt?

A: Probably not. Feel justified, and you should be FINE. If you feel filled with guilt or fear over what you’ve done, then there is a chance you might get a bit of a backlash….but we here in the Rant Room do not use curses or controlling spells lightly, do we? Ahem. So there should be no problem.

Q: Do ghosts exist?

A: The ones I’ve seen and experienced sure did. So…yes. However, most have no intention of harming you or your family. In fact, a good deal are not even aware of your presence. If a spirit is causing you harm, however, it may be a demonic presence, and you may wish to seek help.

Q: I’m a woman looking to use a love spell which asks me to use menstrual blood, however, I no longer menstruate due to surgical/menopausal reasons – is there an alternative?

A: Of course there is. 🙂 My recommendation is to masturbate while thinking of your target, and use the vaginal secretions which should occur from you “getting wet,” as your substitute. I was actually asked if one should use, erm, machinery to masturbate to this end. The answer is most definitely no, and for many reasons, but the magic/kal one being that you do not want to use tools to this end unless you are also using the tool in your spell, suchas placing a candle in your vagina while masturbating (stop giggling, everyone, lol, tho yes the mental image is a bit funny…mwahahaha.) Use your hands. Its actually better for you healthwise, too. 😉

Q: I suppose in your line of work you’ve heard everything…anything that was a “bit much?”

A: OMG, you have no idea. “Everything” is an understatement. Yes, many things were a bit much. I think some of the more megalomaniacal people were really the ones that “got to me” though. Men seeking women (not a particular one, mind you,) 20-30 years their junior so she is good-looking and can breed…that one was pretty recent. Gotta love sociopaths. Hmm…I liked the person who wanted me to literally shrink them…like to 2 inches tall…things like that. 😉 Some of its funny, some of it is scary. But definitely, I’ve heard it all. I’m still shocked from time to time, but not often. One perk of my job IS that I have met all sorts of people, and MOST of the time, it is very educational and interesting. 🙂

Well, that’s all for now, kids! Hope you like this edition of Questions You’ve Asked Me. Keep on asking questions, and I WILL keep on answering.

Blessings!

~Cat

Hello Occulties,

Its that time again, when your friend Cat tells her Scorpio friends HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Since I am not good with all of the dates (heh heh heh, especially since about half are all in the same week,) I am just going to name names – but I WILL sorta try to put them in order. 🙂

Christina-Bob – Happy b-day, pledge-sis!!
Andria – Happy b-day, Psi Beta big-sis!!
Nicky – Happy b-day, “Dick Nixon!!”
Scott – Happy b-day, “M’am,” your goat is waiting for you in the back yard.
Dylan – Happy b-day, my yellow slimy dog!
Kyle – Happy b-day, Mr. Kylie…if you were still with us, you would be 19 – very old for a dog!

I know there are more…however, you can always contact me to yell at me. 🙂 I can always re-edit the post. Woohoo! Happy birthday, my Scorpio loved-ones…yes, even my childhood dog, now deceased – because you can’t forget Mr. K, everyone, when he went, something like 35 people actually broke down in tears around town when we told them of his passing…and if you were wondering they WERE all grown people, not children.

I “heart” Scorpios…probably because of the placing of that dang Venus-sign of mine. 😉 Anyhoo, everyone be sure to party down – its your birthday (or it is soon.)

Hugs,

~Cat

In an effort to ENCOURAGE readership in my archives, I am going to quote a very true statement I made…2 years ago almost here, in the article “Karma Police.”

“This isn’t a Llewellyn Publishing title, which is why you can find anything from white to black and every shade between regarding spellwork – in fact, the fact that Llewellyn doesn’t publish my blog should be your first hint that it has useful information in it.”

Hmm, I still agree with that statement, too. 🙂 So, if you want to see even better writing then I’ve had lately (it has sucked a bit recently, has it not?) you want to know more about me, you want to read up about occult topics, or if you want some gol’-danged spells, please check out my “Archives” and “Catagories” sections to your left.

And for the rest of you wondering what in the heck I am doing posting so much? Okay, well part of it is running a special on my site and hoping to drum up some new business, and the other part of it is that I’m really wired cuz its almost my birthday, and that’s a whole day long holiday dedicated to your favorite (?) occult mastermind – ME!! Woohoo!

Wow, I gotta cut back on that coffee…is 5 cups a lot?

~Cat